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Three Meter Zone | JD's Bunker | Poetry | Chapel | American Journal

You Know What We Really Need?

J. D. Pendry

  • Spandex cops. Did you ever go to the gym? Some people should not be allowed to wear spandex in public. There's something about spandex compressed blubber that's dangerous looking. What might happen if we have a spandex induced compressed blubber explosion in the vicinity of fast moving stair steppers and reclining bicycles? Yep. We need spandex cops, stretch pants cops too.
  • Laser cannons that detect and vaporize dangerous and aggressive drivers.
  • A car seat that captures and electrocutes drunks trying to start cars.
  • A law that prohibits any food item from being labeled as lite or low fat.
  • Gym commercials that show big fat, twinkie-eating, real people sweating instead of models whom you can never find in the gym once you've paid your membership fee.
  • A law that requires you to be beeperless, cell phone free and off the damn eeeee-mail for 24 consecutive hours each week.
  • A laser cannon that detects and vaporizes any car whose driver is talking on a cell phone, applying make-up, looking at a map, or drinking from a commuter cup while the car is in motion.
  • A law requiring public school teachers' pay to be equal to the NBA league minimum.
  • A law that requires schools to award one full scholastic scholarship for every full athletic scholarship.
  • A 24 consecutive hour national television and radio blackout each week.
  • A legal justice system that is more concerned with victims' rights than the rights of criminals. (Am I getting too serious?)
  • One hour of total silence each day. (definitely too serious)
  • A one-week, unrelenting news media blitz on the front lawn of every TV news puke.
  • A delete button on your phone that vaporizes tele-marketers.
  • Tires that don't need rotating.
  • Oil that doesn't need changing.
  • Car buying without haggling.
  • A law that prohibits grown men from wearing ties and suspenders that match.
  • A law that prohibits the use of rap or heavy metal in conjunction with the word music.
  • A laser cannon that detects and vaporizes cars with loud car stereos.
  • Fewer Nike commercials.
  • A law that requires the republicans to "get over it" when a democrat is elected president and vice versa.

Got some more?

These additions contributed by Lori Stroud

  • hah! speedo-cops! (Something to do with a neihgbor cutting his lawn...)
  • better movies, instead of expensive hollywood flicks
  • more people like yours truly :D
  • less mandatory fun, (pep assemblies, homecoming shananagans)(we can all add to this list)
  • bright blue hair, goes great with ARMY greens!
  • more llamas, swanky llamas
  • less commercial-manufactured people, dull suit-and-ties... blah
  • flip-flop wearin fridays~!(how 'bout thong Thursdays?)
  • freedom for Tibet
  • orange sherbet flavored pop-tarts
  • guitar solos for every song (only if played by BB King)
  • colored refridgerator bulbs :D(mold glows in blacklight)
  • no more woodstocks (amen)

© 1999 J. D. Pendry