Three Meter Zone: Common Sense Leadership for NCOs. Welcome to the world of the 

noncommissioned officer, the ultimate in hands-on, front-line leadership: the three meter 

zone where the work of the soldier occurs. ... a full fledged study of leadership for NCOs, 

by an NCO.
Three Meter Zone | JD's Bunker | Poetry | Chapel | American Journal

Bunker Joke Vault #2

[Test Your Southernism]
[Dilbert's Words of Wisdom]
[What do fish say]
[Just Married]
[Tough Guy Contest]
[George Carlinisms]
[Welcome to Tuhle]
[Restroom Graffiti]
[New Army Voicemail]
[What I learned from the Kids]
[Zack's Philosophy]
[Things My Mother Taught Me]
[Deep Thoughts]
[2000 Darwins]
[Joint Rules for Army-Navy Game]
[Southern Tourism]
[Things you don't want to hear during surgery]
[The Laws of Golf]
[Spouse Abuse]
[Noah's Ark]
[Don't Mess With The Sergeant Major]
[Snake in the Grass]
[Most Powerful Word]
[College Entrance Exam]
[Old West Joke]
[What a dog!]
[Monkey Business]
[Stupid - Defined]
[Failure to Communicate]
[The Game After Next]
[The Plan]
[COP Stuff]
[Nine Simple Rules]
[Hillary in Heaven]
[The Pastor and the Mayor]
[Golf Anyone?]
[World's Smartest Woman]
[You Might Be A tanker If]
[Blonde Joke]
[From the Mouths of Babes]
[Mental Health Hotline]
[Only in America]
[You May Be a Geek....]
[Official Army Terms]
[Think About It]
[Church Humor]
[The Real Dummy]
[A Hole In One]
[Super Granny]
[Men Are Sensitive]
[Maine Techies]


This test really can't be cheated on... either you know the answers or you don't.

One Yankee only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas the natives typically score around 20+. If you score over 50, you should be living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks!

Score three points per correct answer. You're given one point to start. Answers follow below, so don't peek.....

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?

2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?

3) Bill Dance is good at what?

4) What university does Bill Dance root for?

5) Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?

6) Afterboiling peanuts for an hour you have what?

7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?

8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?

9) What is a chigger?

10) What is scrapple?

11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?

12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?

13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, ________.

14) What's the common name for a bowfin?

15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?

16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?

17) What are grits made out of?

18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"

19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?

20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?

21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?

22) What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?

23) Where would you find Vidalia County?

24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?

25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play?(typically)

26) How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)

27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?

28) What is a scuppernong?

29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?

30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?

31) What color is a John Deere?

32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?

33) What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?
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1) 7

2) 43, red and blue

3) Fishin'

4) University of Tennessee

5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts

7) 283

8) French

9) A red bug (small parasite)

10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts

11) Panama City, FL

12) Spanish moss

13) Evinrude

14) Mudfish

15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.

16) Hank Williams

17) Corn

18) Paul Bryant

19) Because of the pollen

20) "The Recipe"

21) Helen

22) WSM

23) Georgia

24) Calf roping

25) Mandolin

26) 5

27) The same thing

28) A wild grape

29) Yes

30) Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.

31) Green

32) Another trick animal husbandry question. Mules are generally sterile.

33) Tobacco

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The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to

humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent-or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunsets.

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Nine Simple Rules if you Intend to Date My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

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The Pastor and the Mayor

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

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Hillary in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. Saint Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on every wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for every person who has ever lived. Each time a person lies, their clock ticks off one-second. Two clocks deserve special attention. The clock belonging to Mother Theresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie in her life. Abraham Lincoln's clock has only 2 seconds showing on it indicating that Honest Abe told only two lies in his life time." Hillary then asked, "Where's Bill's clock?" Saint Peter replied, "Jesus has it in his office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."

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Don't mess with the Sergeant Major

An Army recon platoon was on patrol when the Lieutenant noticed a lone Sergeant Major standing on a hilltop in their patrol area. The LT told two of his men to go take out the Sergeant Major. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Sergeant Major. Just before they got to the top, the Sergeant Major ran over the other side of the hill. The two grunts followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Sergeant Major came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his BDUs, straightened his hat, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the platoon. The LT, very pissed now, called for a squad to go get the Sergeant Major. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Sergeant Major. Just before they got to the top, the Sergeant Major ran over the other side of the hill. The entire squad followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Sergeant Major came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his BDUs, straightened his hat, crossed his arms and stood there looking at what was left of the LT's platoon. The LT was really hot by now. He ordered the rest of the platoon to attack the Sergeant Major. Determined that Recon was far superior to one lone Sergeant Major, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Sergeant Major ran over the other side of the hill. The soldiers followed. For many minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally, one lone soldier crawled back to the LT, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His BDUs were torn, cuts were all over his body. The LT demanded a report. The trooper, bloody and beaten replied in a forceful and fearful voice; "Sir, run, it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!"

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All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark:

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Two heads are better than one.

9. Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with the cheetahs.

10. When you're stressed, float awhile.

11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.

12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.

13. No matter the storm, when God is with you there's a rainbow waiting.

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Spouse Abuse

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft (married to Mel Brooks)

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.-- Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "Mine is available."

When a man steals your wife, what better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name Was "Always".

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was next to impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - she doesn't like to be interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through an entire life thinking they had just only a few faults.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man said his credit card was stolen but decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it just once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, unfortunately mine's still alive."

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What Do Fish Say?



















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Just Married

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft (married to Mel Brooks)

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "Mine is available."

When a man steals your wife, what better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name Was "Always".

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was next to impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - she doesn't like to be interrupted.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through an entire life thinking they had just only a few faults.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man said his credit card was stolen but decided not to report it. The thief was spending less than his wife.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it just once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, unfortunately mine's still alive."

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Tough Guy Contest

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Rangers," the SFC declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures...all shore duty."

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How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game,"when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Welcome to Tuhle

Thule Air Force Base in Greenland is considered one of the places where assignment is a virtual punishment -- one of the "less desirable" assignments (for those of you who have not been in the military and are not familiar with the wicked winters at Thule AFB).

A C-141 cargo aircraft was preparing for departure from Thule, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the plane's sewage holding tank. The aircraft commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving and the airman was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

The aircraft commander apparently berated the airman for his lack of speed and promised to impose proper punishment. The airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I am pumping crap out of airplanes. Just how in the hell do you plan to punish me?"

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Restroom Graffiti (may be offensive)

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
--Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
--Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
--Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
--Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
--The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
--Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
--Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.--Hell, do both, get married!
--Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
--The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
--Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

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Quotable (may be offensive)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job, no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "'Thyroid problem?'"- Emo Philips

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -Jimmy Shubert

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Richard Jeni

(Ongoing to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Richard Jeni

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." - Franck Dubosc

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Stephen Wright

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." -John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Richard Jeni

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Richard Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." - Emo Philips

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -Richard Jeni

"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my president get head." - Elon Gold

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."- Emo Philips

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Snake in the Grass

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armour: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Commando: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time-On-Target barrage with three regiments in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks,
mechanics and clerks) are awarded service medals.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all Department of Foreign Affairs directives and Theatre Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy Landing Party: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites sailors and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which US Navy SEALS kill religious extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. SASR: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all Australian Defense Force from Area of Operations.

12. Cavalry: Follows snake, gets lost, buys sunglasses.

13. Air Battle Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Combat Medics: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Ordnance: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on back-order.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

17. Macchi pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F/A-18 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Chinese Embassy 100 Km East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert Areas of Operations without power lines or SAMs.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. F-111 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Medium gun crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from Melbourne Air Traffic Control to use high-trajectory weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Legal Corps: Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

25. Construction Engineers: Build pub, gut and stuff snake, mount over bar, name pub "The Snakepit."

26. Petroleum Handlers: Catch snake, introduce free snake with every full tank promotion.

27. Military Police: Wait for somebody else to capture snake, beat up snake, deny responsibility.

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THE MOST POWERFUL WORD (may be offensive)

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

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Golf Anyone?

After a two year-long study (at taxpayers expense), the Department of Defense announced the following results on the recreational preferences of military personnel:

1. The sport of choice for E-1, E-2 & E-3: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for E- 4 & E-5: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for E-6, E-7 & E-8: Football
4. The sport of choice for O-1, O-2 & O-3: Baseball or Softball
5. The sport of choice for O-4, O-5 & O-6: Tennis
6. The sport of choice for 0-7 and above: is Golf.

Conclusion: the higher you are in the Chain of Command, the smaller your balls become.

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World's Smartest Woman

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Bill Clinton said, "I am President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc." So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, said, I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die." So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.

The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so a as Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy scout said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman just took my backpack.

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You Might be a Tanker, if:

the only ashtrays at home are 105mm shell casings.

you're always accusing your wife of turning the volume down on the TV, telephone, doorbell, etc.

you cannot pass gas without saying "On the way!"

you wish it wasn't illegal to stick your head out of the sunroof while driving.

you refer to Fort Knox as home.

you refer to George S. Patton as "Him".

you consider four as the right number of people to have in a family.

the only kind of scouts you are aware of are Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts.

you laugh whenever someone mentions the thrill of firing a big bore gun such as a .308.

"up" is no longer a direction to you.

you believe a hammer can fix anything.

you invite all your friends to a barbecue and all three show up.

you drive everywhere, even if it's two houses down.

your wife is always reminding you to bring the lounge chairs and cooler home.

you sleep better sitting in your chair than you do in your bed.

you can sleep through the worst thunderstorm but wake up immediately when your clock radio goes off.

you believe radial tires are overrated.

your hunting dog obeys such commands as; "halt", "traverse left/right", "forward" and "identified".

you were doing drive-by shootings before they were a fad.

you think nothing of your kids peeing off the porch instead of using the bathroom.

you use old track to surround your wife's small garden.

you replace all your wife's flower vases with shinier ones after each gunnery.

you get mad whenever your wife puts anything away and it's not by the load plan.

it takes you a few extra minutes in the morning to remember that the throttle for your car is on the floor.

you use your child's telescope to track passing cars.

your child's first words are "Not my echelon".

you believe that a combat load should not interfere with the amount of coffee and propane you pack.

you would help your kids with math if only you had all your fingers.

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Blonde Joke

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"

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From the Mouths of Babes

The mind of a six year old is wonderful. True story. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "Holy Shit! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business.

A young enlisted Marine comes in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service, and a lot of small talk takes place. After the haircut is complete, the Marine opens his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation." The next morning as the barber goes to open his shop, there is a box on his doorstep. In the box was a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt.

That same morning a young sailor comes in for a haircut. The same sort of story happens. They talk about Navy and other small talk. After the haircut is complete, the sailor stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his barbershop, on the doorstep is a box with a Navy ball cap and a thank you note.

That same day, an Air Force Colonel comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen...small talk about the service. When the Colonel goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Sir, it's on the house. Thanks for your service to this great nation."

You guessed it, the next morning, as the barber went to open his shop, there on his doorstep ... were three more Air Force Colonels!

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Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of Grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be Routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army, and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, place your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your *** off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, then please stay on the line. Your call will be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

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1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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Zack's Philosophy:

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If you look like your passport picture you probably need the trip.

Always yield to temptation because it may not pass your way again.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well------------- stay fit -------------die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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Time Limit: 3 Weeks.

Pick 3 questions to answer.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or

4. Metric conversion: How many feet in 0.0 meters?

5. How many of the Ten Commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

6. What are people in America's far north called?

(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

7. Spell: Bush, Carter and Clinton

8. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

9. What are coat hangers used for?

10. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem of what country?

11. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

12. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

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Old West Joke

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."

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There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

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If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...

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1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with
Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a
cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

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You may be a geek if...

You've ever used a computer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend.

You find yourself interrupting computer store salesman to correct something he said.

The first thing you notice when walking in a business is their computer system. ...and offer advice on how you would change it.

You've ever mounted a magnetic tape reel.

You own any shareware.

You know more IP addresses than phone numbers.

You've ever accidentally dialed an IP address.

Your friends use you as tech support.

You've ever named a computer.

You have your local computer store on speed dial.

You can't carry on a conversation without talking about computers.

Co-workers have to E-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the building.

You've ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry.

Your computer has it's own phone line - but your teenager doesn't.

You check the national weather service web page for current weather conditions (rather than look out the window).

You know more URLs than street addresses.

Your pet has a web page.

You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link.

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Cinderella - The Rest of the Story

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Willie for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here, after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? I will give you three wishes."

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Willie, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said:
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat, cowering in the
corner, and says, "I wish for you to transform Willie, my faithful old cat, into a handsome young man."

Magically, Willie suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to swoop from the sky to sing at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Willie and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Willie walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her soft golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered... "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?

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My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.... "Just wait until
your father gets home!"

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to
get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were
you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC ... "If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE.... "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, you're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ... "If you don't pass
your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me about ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't
you think I know when you are cold."

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When the lawn mower cuts off
your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you
don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX...."How do you think you got

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...."You're just like your

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...."Do you think you
were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE... "When
you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE.... "One day you'll have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like."

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Deep Thoughts

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.

4. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive try missing a couple of car payments.

12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

17. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

19. Don't squat with your spurs on.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

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What a dog!

A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc's sake!", to which the guy responds "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."

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Monkey Business

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a platoon sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a PFC monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $1000." The platoon sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fire expert with small arms, score 300 on the APFT, and perform Drill & Ceremony and Small Unit Tactics with no mistakes, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's
an NCO monkey; it can instruct BRM, CTT, PT, D&C and SUT, and even do some paperwork. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on
earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Officer."

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Stupid - Defined

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Is so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to him, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
His slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

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Official Army Terms

Second Infantry Division Proposals for Change 1 to FM 101-5-1, Operational Terms

Sent in by a Battalion S-3 in the Second Infantry Division.

Buttload: Slightly less than a shitload.

Shitload: The amount of money Michael Jordan makes in a minute.

GOB: Shitload +1.

Pound the shit out of: Somewhere between disrupt and destroy and slightly more than neutralize.

Flex: A really cool sounding non-doctrinal term used to maneuver a unit from one location to another. Used primarily when you don't have a clue where you are or how the hell to get to the new location.

Technique: A noun, used in the phrase, "That's a technique." Translated, "That's a really f***ed up way to execute this operation and you will probably kill your entire unit. But if you want to do it that way, go ahead."

Hang out: To establish a position characterized by a total lack of security, soldiers asleep in hammocks and a huge BBQ pit turning out chow. A task usually accomplished by Air Defenders.

Bells and whistles: An inordinate amount of cheese, not required to get necessary information communicated to another individual or group of individuals. Commonly associated with Canine and Equestrian Theater.

Let's Rock Baby: Radio Communications proword for, "Guidons, this is Black 6, FRAGO follows, acknowledge, over."

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It: A friendly oriented, offensive form of maneuver that simultaneously utilizes at least three maneuver elements.

Drive By: Engaging the enemy while bypassing. Meets both the destruction and bypass criteria given in the OPORD.

Zipping Around: An aviation movement technique in which the helicopters appear to fly around aimlessly at a high rate of speed impressing the Ground Combat Troops with their speed and dash. Occasionally encompasses "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" and usually used in a zone reconnaissance.

Gucci Move: Altering Commander's Intent, commander's guidance, or violating the fundamentals of reconnaissance or security operations.

Jump Back Off Your Bad Self: The correct response to anybody pulling a "Gucci Move."

Befuckled: Confused, characterized by a state of genuine, profound disorientation; perpetual state of all Chemical units.

The Get Up and Haul Ass: A movement technique that requires all elements within the organization to cross the LD yesterday.

Kabuki Dance: Deceptive movement technique and/or creative verbiage used in explanations designed to baffle enemy forces as to the main axis of advance as well as perplex higher chains of command on what the true purpose of your mission really is. Common most among the Field Artillery.

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Think About It

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Corduroy pillows make headlines.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Half The People In The World Are Below Average

Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.

Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.

A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.

If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Ham and Eggs-just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

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Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good, either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I would explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all of this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are few personal problems that can't be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed, looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

12. My reality check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress; I'm a carrier.

15. You are slower than a heard of turtles stampeding through a puddle of peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

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2000 Darwins

MOSCOW MARAUDER (4.0/10) A man who threatened to "deal with" his wife and her lover blew himself up with a home-made bomb in September when the device the man was attaching to the door of their not-so-secret apartment boudoir exploded in his hands.

THROWING STONES (4.4/10) A Middle East protestor standing in the road throwing stones at oncoming cars died when a driver tried to swerve away from the stones, but lost control of his car and careened across the road, injuring the driver and killing the assailant.

TIRED OF IT ALL (4.6/10) An experienced thief sneaked onto the lot of the Buckeye Ford Dealership in London, Ohio, intending to steal tires from the new cars. But his expertise failed him when the vehicle he had jacked up slipped and fell, landing squarely on his chest.

PERILOUS POSE (4.6/10) A 53-year-old tourist posing nude for his camera in picturesque Rothemberg, Germany, slipped from the stone wall while preparing for the shot, and fell sixteen feet to his death.

DUCT TAPE (4.7/10) A misplaced faith in the miracle of duct tape led to the demise of a man boating on the Columbia River when his 12-foot aluminum dinghy, held together with duct tape repairs, capsized during a fishing trip.

PASSIONATE PLUNGE (5.0/10) A man with the unlikely ambition to jump off every river bridge in Norwich ended his athletic career with a deadly seventy foot leap into three feet of water in April. Emergency workers were unable to resuscitate the man, who was said to possess "a strange and unusual passion for jumping into rivers."

KISS OF DEATH (5.0/10) A 36-year-old biochemist who attended a farewell performance of the legendary rock band KISS climbed a 7-foot wall to gain a better view of the stage--only to mistake a curtain for a solid wall, and plunge to his death on an escalator 100 feet below.

STONED SLEEP (5.5/10) A North Carolina woman who had been smoking marijuana learned a hard lesson about drugs when she decided to sleep on the roof of the King Charles Inn. Sound asleep, she slid off the roof and fell to her death shortly before dawn. When police arrived at the scene, her stoned boyfriend was found still sleeping on the roof.

HORNET CHALLENGE (5.8/10) A 53-year-old man with a reputation as a 'strong man' accepted a dare to stand beneath a hornets' nest in Phnom Penh, while two men pelted it with stones. He endured the pain of countless stinging hornets before expiring from the toxic injections.

TWO-AVALANCHE ALASKAN (5.8/10) A 43-year-old Fairbanks man attempting to highmark the mountains in his snowmobile died in an avalanche in Fairbanks Alaska in April. It was the second snowmobile-induced avalanche he had been caught in that day, and he had already been warned by authorities to stop highmarking in the dangerous snow conditions.

BABY DRIVE ME CRAZY (5.9/10) The bodies of a young couple were discovered naked in the wreckage of a freak car accident in Italy in May. Investigators assume that prior to the accident, the couple was having sex in their small Italian vehicle while it raced along windy roads at upwards of 80mph.

RUNNING OF THE BULLS (5.9/10) A Berlin woman attempting to capture a memorable photograph of the Running Bulls in the southern town of Nimes paid for her stupidity with her life on Sunday. The 68-year-old photographer removed a metal safety barricade and strode into the street with her camera to her eye, where she was trampled by a horse and six rampaging bulls.

RAPPIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR (6.1/10) Artists sometimes bleed for their work, but usually not literally. A gangster-rap video artist changed all that when he put a gun to his head and shot himself through the temple while the cameras rolled, accidentally putting an end to his creative efforts.

OUT WITH A BANG! (6.2/10) Heating air in a sealed container such as a truck tire causes the gas to expand and the pressure to increase. A mechanic at a tire store in Georgia learned this lesson in physics the hard way when an inflated tire he and was welding exploded, spewing shrapnel and killing him instantly.

WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE (6.3/10) A Kentucky man died after he and his friend decided to reenact the William Tell scene where the famous archer is forced to shoot an apple off his son's head. They used a beer can instead of an apple, and their aim was not as accurate as the legendary archer.

HUMAN HITCHING POST (6.3/10) A 29-year-old woman was killed in Nevada when she attempted to quell the temper of her spirited Arabian horse by tying herself to its head. The excitable animal spooked and dragged her around the paddock, trampling her beneath its hooves.

SHOCKING FALL (6.8/10) 26-year-old man earned a place in history as the first person to die celebrating the millennium. Minutes before midnight, the Stanford graduate climbed to the top of a street light in front of the Paris Las Vegas Hotel and waved to the enthusiastic revelers below. At midnight he slipped and, in an effort to break his fall, grabbed the electric wires and found himself conducting more than a cheering crowd.

DO IT YOURSELF: DO YOURSELF IN (6.8/10) A 34-year-old Colorado contractor wired his garden fence with household current in an attempt to keep his dog confined to the yard. He electrocuted himself when he inadvertently brushed the fence while reaching for a ripe tomato.

FIREWORKS FIASCO (7.1/10) People routinely lose fingers and eyes in fireworks explosions during America's Independence Day celebration, and the bigger the fireworks, the greater the damage. A 34-year-old man suffered partial decapitation when he peered into the mouth of a launching tube containing what he incorrectly assumed was a malfunctioning aerial firework. It exploded, producing a spectacular grand finale for both his head and the party.

HUMAN POPSICLE (7.3/10) Ohio police located the body of a missing truck driver in January after his employer reported him missing in action. The man was found frozen head down among the broccoli pallets, where he had apparently slipped while trying to retrieve a hidden stash of cocaine.

THE DAILY GRIND (7.7/10) The owner of a chipping company in Maine was rent asunder by his own wood chipper when he stumbled into the intake while trying to break up a bark jam without first disconnecting the power.

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Joint Rules for Army-Navy Game

The Pentagon announced new rules for the fall 2000 Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament.

1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint Chiefs of Staff deemed tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because of the CNN factor, the public will no longer tolerate even one field casualty. Second, touching another player today, even the congratulatory pat on the behind, is court martial bait.

2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less ambiguous "throwing the ball." The Army, Navy and Marines will be blocked from throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it alone owns the long-range air attack mission.

3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army objections to long-range naval ground operations.

4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is too sensitive and should be avoided.

5. To promote interservice cooperation, all teams were ordered to use the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four services.

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Failure to Communicate

Once again, miscommunication between women and men.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

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The Game After Next

The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," called for handoffs of a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. The Army plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would leave players with no choice but to set up bunkers and temporary housing on the 50-yard line.

The Navy's "Forward... From the Bench" plan called for players, each called a ball "carrier," to be surrounded by other Navy football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would establish a roaming "presence" all over the playing field. Less important than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group wherever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening are these carriers, the Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.

The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan was predictable: Seize ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably while on the playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for packing the audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines' performance did not go unrecognized.

The Air Force's "Fieldwide Engagement" plan kept calling for very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts, half-time, between games, in the parking lot and even in the showers. So fast and accurate would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should even bother to take the field.

After examining each team's playbook the Secretary of Defense ruled that none could be used, and that each service was left to its own devices.

The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field. Instead, its players patrolled up and down the sidelines in breathtaking formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their benches.

Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at least until several conditions were met: one, that vital U.S. national interests were at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined; and, three, the President would activate 550,000 reserve and National Guard Army football players if the game actually were to be played.

The Air Force felt victory could be achieved also by not showing up. Secret plans were later leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent $38.7 bazillion on a system able to fire the football into the end zone from space.

Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready football team when others are the least," the Marines stormed the empty playing field and declared themselves the winners.

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In the beginning there was the plan, and then came the assumptions, and the assumptions were without form, and the plan was completely without substance:

and the darkness was on the faces of the soldiers, and they spake amongst themselves saying, "it is a crock of shit and it stinks!"

And the soldiers went unto their sergeants saying: "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the sergeants went unto their platoon leaders saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the lieutenants went unto their company commanders, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its' strength."

And the captains went unto their battalion commanders, saying, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

And the colonels went to the division commanders, saying, "It promotes growth and is very powerful!"

And the generals went unto the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the National Command Authority, saying, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization!"

and the Joint Chiefs and the NCA looked upon the plan and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy!

This is how shit happens.

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Church Humor

There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"

A 5-year-old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one.

Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, and the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.

A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" "Yes." "Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes." Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"

A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother: "Lord, bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!"

Mom: "God's not deaf, son.

Boy: "I know, Mom, but Grandma's in the next room, and she's hard of hearing!

"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world -- there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying "He lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up!"


An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When the detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"


A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"


In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hello!


This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in thewater to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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A Hole In One

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday, it was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to golf or give the Sunday service.

Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him!"

God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"

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Super Granny Defender of Justice

(True Story) An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. Whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail. And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

AH ......... SENIOR MOMENTS!!!!

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Who says men are not sensitive!

Bob receives a free ticket to the Super bowl from his boss. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes that the seat is located in the last row in the corner farthest from the field. But halfway through the first quarter, he notices an empty seat right on the 50-yard line, so he makes his way over to it.

Before he sits down though he asks the man sitting in the seat next to the empty one, "Excuse me, sir, is someone sitting here?" The man says, "No". "Wow!" says Bob. " Who would have a Super bowl ticket and not use it?"

"Well, actually," says the man, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to bring my wife, but she died. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been at together since we were married back in '59."

"I'm so sorry," says Bob, "...But couldn't you have brought a friend or relative?"

"No," answers the man. ".....They're all at her funeral."

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Southern Tourism

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here -- or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

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Maine Techies

1. Log on: make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off: don't add no more wood
3. Monitor: keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download: getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy Disk: what you get from downloading too much firewood
6. RAM: the thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive: getting home in the winter
8. Prompt: what the US Mail ain't in the winter
9. Window: what you shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen: what you shut in black fly season
12. Bit: what the black flies did
13. Megabyte: what the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip: munchies for TV
15. Microchip: what's left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem: what you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Laptop: where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software: the dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonald's
20. Hardware: real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse: what makes holes in the Cheerios box
22. Mainframe: what hold the house up, hopefully
23. Enter: the only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web: what a spider makes
25. Web site: high corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor: someone who swears
27. Search Engine: what you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver: repair kit for the torn window screen on the tent
29. Home Page: map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade: a steep hill
31. Server: waitress
32. Mail Server: male waitress (damn few in Maine)
33. MS DOS: some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card: one of them high-tech birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35. User: the neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
36. Browser: a problem moose in the garden or blueberry patch
37. Network: mending holes in the fishing net
38. Internet: complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape: what the haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online: good sign they'll be clean clothes this week
41. Offline: the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground

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COP Stuff

SWAT Team T-shirts

1. "Ready to rumble."
2. "Be afraid . . . be very afraid."
3. "I got yer can'a whoop-ass right here."
4. "You call, we kill."
5. "Death-o-gram."
6. "I completed a special sniper-training course in Austria and all I got
was this lousy T-shirt."
7. "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
8. "If it bleeds, we can kill it."
9. "The Legion of Doom."
10. "I came to bring the pain.

Ways to tell the rookie's not cut out for the job

1. He keeps asking when he gets to meet Sipowicz.
2. Files a complaint after he's forced to remove the CD-changer and 18 inch woofers he installed in the cruiser.
3. She got confused when assigned to a stake-out and ordered out for steaks.
4. Keeps asking when he gets to shoot somebody.
5. Says take-out food makes her sleepy.
6. He keeps telling you not to worry, times have changed, that thing where you sent him away on possession with intent was so long ago that he's not even that mad anymore.
7. Pesters everyone daily about showing up on their own time for pre-tour prayer/breakfast.
8. Always saying he doesn't discriminate and that he tries to hate everyone, no matter what their color.
9. 5'4"- 324lbs.
10. Sings Miranda warning to suspects to the tune of "Oops - I did it again."

Ways to Tell You Have Anger Management Issues

1. You have no citizen complaints in your file because they all died during the struggle.
2. It takes you twice as many drinks as shift-hours worked to unwind when the tour's over.
3. Everyone calls you "Hurricane Eddie."
4. You've been on the job two years and you're on your eighth cruiser.
5. Your family sleeps in a treehouse in the backyard.
6. For some reason you are reading lots of books dealing with the construction of letter-bombs.
7. Crime rates in your patrol area mysteriously drop to zero during your working hours, while the baddest bad guys hide and whimper in their apartments.
8. You're known as, "the guy who got into a fistfight with a Rottweiler and a pit bull."
9. Instead of counting to 10 when you get really mad, you have to count to 220,000.
10. Your evaluations suck, but somehow you're the only one the boss hasn't verbally assaulted over job performance.

Signs The Chief Is Over The Hill

1. He's always telling officers to watch out for Apaches.
2. Still bummed out about that whole Black Sox thing.
3. Sometimes gets confused at roll call and tries to thank the academy for his award.
4. Favorite drink? Mead.
5. Always going on about the time he got demoted for arresting a band of cattle rustlers without smoke-signaling for back-up.
6. Tries to pay for coffee with doubloons.
7. Sometimes wears underwear on the outside of his uniform.
8. Can never remember how many times he's seen Haley's comet.
9. The Museum of Natural History makes him homesick.
10. Grade school classmate of Dick Clark.

Ways To Tell It's The New Millennium

1. Duty weapons have been replaced with laser blasters.
2. You had to cite the four horsemen of the apocalypse for creating a public nuisance.
3. Everyone's putting in for Armageddon compensation.
4. You get an overtime check covering one hundred years of work.
5. The people at the bank say they're not quite sure what happened to your money.
6. The new FTO is some guy named Nebulak from the Degoba system.
7. Oddly enough, the departmental computers work fine for the first time ever.
8. There's looting, everything's on fire, and chaos reigns. You know . . .just another day at the office.
9. Due to computer error, there's three extra zeros on your paycheck.
10. Everything is exactly the same

Ways to know it's a Police Officer's Christmas

1. You're making a list, and checking it twice, you're gonna find out who's naughty and then arrest them.
2. Your partner keeps dropping hints that he loves Beanie Babies.
3. Holding cells are filled to the max with drunken department store Santas.
4. You're working while the rest of the world watches their kids open their presents.
5. You get a gift certificate for diapers in departmental secret Santa. Your kid is 22 years old.
6. Even though things are tight, every cop in the house chipped in to get that lady who got robbed some presents to give her kids.
7. At the office Christmas party, everyone sings, "All I want for Christmas is my two percent raise, my two percent raise, oh my two percent raise."
8. Instead of "peace on earth," you wish for "a moment's peace."
9. You worked crowd-control at the North Pole after belligerent elves stage a work slow down.
10. Silent night. Holy night. All is calm . . . except for the robbery in progress at Main Street and Elm.

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Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. The watchamacallit is making that noise again.
2. I guess we should have checked to make sure the donor organ arrived before we started the transplant.
3. Scapel. No not that one, I need the curvy one.
4. Hey doc, isn't this the guy that arrested your wife?
5. What the hell did I do with that spleen?
6. I wouldn't worry about it Dr. Harris. People are like cars...lots of exrtra parts.
7. Well what if he does find out we left the clamp in?
8. The back-up generators should kick in any minute now.
9. More tequilla shooters, stat!
10. The shin bones connected to the leg bone, but what is the leg bone connected to? I knew I should have memorized that song.

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