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Three Meter Zone | JD's Bunker | Poetry | Chapel | American Journal


Bunker Joke Vault #1



[100 Gigaburg Bug]
[Should I Stop?]
[Continuing Ed For Women]
[One Liners]
[Church Bloopers]
[NASA Accommodates Glenn]
[You Have Two Cows]
[Well I'll Be...]
[You're an old soldier if...]
[Homer's Wisdom...]
[Over 40 Barbie...]
[Stayin Warm...]
[Don't Feed The Bears]
[Recruiting]
[Actual Woman's T-Shirt Sayings]
[Letter Home From Camp]
[Life's Truths]
[Fractured Instructions]
[Working For The Government]
[Cause I'm a Guy]
[BUREAUCRACY]
[Comprehending Engineers]
[Fractured Laws]
[Beer Drinking Science]
[Flogging a Dead Horse]
[Perfection]
[Darwin Award Nominees]
[Axiom]
[Sam Gets a Boat]
[Dearest Wife]
[Bumper Snickers]
[Service Rivalry]
[Did You Know That...]
[Great Balls O' Fire]
[You Might Be A Soldier If...]
[Stuff to think about...]
[Wisecracks...]
[Holy FORE!]
[BUBBA]
[Letterman's Top 10 Signs the Military is Not Doing Well]

[Airline Woes]
[JD's Tours]
[Parenting Defined]
[Lawyers]
[Facts About Men]
[Marine Corps Love]
[Iraq's Top Ten TV Shows]
[More Continuing Ed For Women]
[For Men Too?]
[Ask The Tool Man]
[Deep Thoughts]
[Hey! Wake Up!]
[If College Students Wrote The Bible...]
[Marine Bar Troubleshooting]
[Your Call]
[The Best Patient]
[The stuff men know]
[Military Automated Arty Support Request Line]
[Betcha Didn't Know]


100 GigaBurg Bug

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."


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Should I Stop?

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran that stop sign back there!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?"
The police officer pulled out his night-stick and began whacking the man over the head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Whomp! Bang!
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down, or stop!!!?


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Continuing Education Courses For Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
20. Cooking II: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
21. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
22. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
23. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
24. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.
25. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
26. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
27. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
28. Ballet: For Women Only.
29. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
30. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
31. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
32. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.
33. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
34. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.


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One Liners

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock to throw.
On the other hand... you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
I got lost in thought... It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set!


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Church Bloopers

1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.
24. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary...
30. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


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NASA Accommodates Glenn

Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space suit pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-turn blinker left on for entire mission.


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BUREAUCRACY


1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.
2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result--all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."


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Comprehending Engineers

Take One:
A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him - - - Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Two:
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Take Three:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Take Four:
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Take Five:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" the architect and artist both asked, surprised. The Engineer replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Take Six:
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


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Fractured Laws

The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Bob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
The Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
The Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
Main's Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.


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Beer Drinking Science

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.


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FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and walk. However, we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buy a stronger whip.
2. Change riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always have ridden this horse."
4. Appoint a committee to study the horse.
5. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Rewrite the standards for dead horse performance.
7. Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Create a training session to increase riding ability.
9. Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements, declaring that, "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together to increase speed and pulling power.
13. Declare that, "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Provide additional incentive funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Commercial Activities Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a software product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster, and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
22. Shorten the track.
23. Establish benchmarks for industry dead-horse leaders.
24. Put together a spiffy PowerPoint presentation to get planners to double the dead-horse R&D budget.
25 Get the horse a website.
26. Declare that the horse is not in fact dead, but poised for growth.(or just pinin')
27. Sell off its ears to reduce overheads.
28. Re-organize the horse to make it more customer-facing, by cutting off its head and sewing it on backwards.
29. Declare that since horse is dead, we must now ride smarter, not harder.
30. Sell off the horse's legs one by one, until someone will buy it.
31. Declare that riding is not a core competency.


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Perfection

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

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> > So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen, either.


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AIRLINE WOES

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes they also were trying to change airlines!


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JD's Tours

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.


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Parenting Defined

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman, who has gone through labor, to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

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Lawyers

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks,

"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks,

"Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No."

"Did you check for breathing?" "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says,

"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good.

Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other.

"Because I can run faster without them," replied the first.

"I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said.

The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!"

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men


1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is
involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera,
for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has
built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it
personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not
brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them
are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about
sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he
didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

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Marine Corps Love


A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks."

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

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You Have Two Cows.


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government Regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."


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Darwin Award Nominees

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to strengthening the gene pool by dying (or nearly dying) in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed and pass those genes along.

The 1998 nominees are:

NOMINEE No.1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.


NOMINEE No.2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] A mechanic of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." He got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while he hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. The mechanic's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found him "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3: [Hickory Daily Record] A 47 year old man accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson.38 Special which discharged when he drew it to his ear.


NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said the 39 year old lawyer fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. He previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength, according to police reports. The managing partner of the law firm told the Toronto Sun newspaper that the dead lawyer was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body, but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating 'this deadly gas'." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.


NOMINEE No.6: [The News of the Weird.] A South Carolina death row inmate made The News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. The man died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said he was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.


NOMINEE No.8: [AP, St. Louis] A 32 year old man was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police he grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9: [Unknown] To a poacher who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.10: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap
Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. The 24 year old man of Kincaid bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off" and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."

NOMINEE No.11: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. The 55 year old, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

NOMINEE No.12: [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. The 25 year old lost his right eye during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, OR. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered his right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been severed and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if the man had tried to pull the arrow out he surely would have killed himself. The man admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. He said, "I feel so dumb about this."

NOMINEE No.13 The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996 VANCOUVER(CP)-A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man, in his 20s, was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.

AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No.14!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. The driver, 33, of Des Arc and his passenger, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night the pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, the passenger noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck the driver in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. The driver suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. The passenger sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when he shot his d*** off or we might both be dead" stated the passenger. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first or me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, the driver's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.


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Iraq's Top Ten TV Shows

1. Husseinfeld
2. Mad About Everything
3. Allah McBeal
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
5. Achmed's Creek
6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
10. Suddenly Sanctions

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Axiom



If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, uou either married it or gave birth to it!

Sam Gets A Boat


Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a fellow [Sam] new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power he supplied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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More Continuing Ed For Women:



The male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Attendance in at least 10 is mandatory:

1. Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
2. Doing Housework Without Complaining
3. Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
4. Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
5. Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
6. Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
8. How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
9. Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
10. Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
11. The Toilet Seat: I Can Put It Down
12. "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
13. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
14. The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
15. You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
16. Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger -- But You're Acceptable
17. Hair spray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)
18. Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
19. Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
20. Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
21. Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
22. Makeup: The Less is More Theory
23. Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

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Ed FOR MEN


Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of any marital status. Class size will be limited to 18 as material may prove to be difficult.

101 Combating Stupidity
102 You Too Can Do Housework
103 P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
104 How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
105 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money
106 Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
107 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
108 Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception
109 Get a Life - Learn How To Cook
110 How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
111 Spelling -Even You Can Get It Right
112 Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
113 You - The Weaker Sex
114 Reasons To Give Flowers
115 How To Stay Awake After Sex
116 Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom
117 Garbage - Getting It To the Curb
118 The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
119 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
120 How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
121 The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
122 Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
123 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
124 You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
125 Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
126 Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
127 The Attainable Goal - Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary
128 Real Men Ask For Directions
129 How To Take Illness Like a Man


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Well I'll Be...

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily cooking dinner and listening to his walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.[Darwin Candidate?]


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You're an Old Soldier If...

1. You know what GDP means.
2. You remember when we had tactical nukes and really planned to use them.
3. You remember spending hours in MOPP4 and doing M256 kits.
4. You remember when M8 claymore and M72 LAW was part of CTT.
5. You remember when ARTEPs were 36 hours and you had fun.
6. You remember when Carl Vouno was CG and Max Thurman was head of recruiting command.
7. You know what Gamma Goat and Goer were.
8. You remember when the Israelis were bad asses and we all wanted to be like them.
9. You remember when Saddam Hussein was our loyal ally.
10.You remember when Airland Battle was a new concept, and everyone religiously read 100-5.
11.You know what the Cap Weinberger Doctrine was.
12.You remember when the M16 was a plastic carbine, and you hoped for an M14.
13.You can remember going to the Club at Graf, drinking, and watching Margaret.
14.You personally know Margaret.
15.You know what a "smokey" is at Hohenfels.
16.You know the difference between VRC46, VRC47, PRC77 and VRC160.
17.You know what a CEOI is and you can encrypt grids.
18.You remember when NTC was a new and cool concept.
19.You remember when it was real cool to go to SAMs or be an OC at NTC.
20.You remember when as a new LT/CPT you could go out and train your soldiers and not have an OC tell you how screwed up you were.
21.You remember BN Cdrs and 1SG's who were Vietnam Vets.
22.You remember Bn Cdrs who drank, swore and mentored.
23.You remember Bn Cdrs who were ruthless about tactics, but didn't give a crap about admin BS (now its reverse).
24.You remember when 2LTs and CPLs demanded respect from PFCs and got it.
25.You can navigate at night without a GPS.
26.You can remember OPDs about Clausewitz (aka dead Karl) which usually ended with beer drinking at the O'club.
27.You can remember when lanes training was real neat concept.
28.You can remember when 25-101 was a new concept.
29.You can remember when the defense budget was 7% of the GNP.
30.You can remember when the main battle area was the only fight.
31.You can remember when everyone's career track was 10 years in Germany with 1st Armored Division at Ansbach.
32.You remember when the Soviet Union was a major super power instead (albeit the Russian Republic) of being a basket case for the IMF.
33.You can remember when everyone made O-5 by showing up to work everyday.

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WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON



"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."


"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

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THE NEW "OVER-40" BARBIES

1.) Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2.) Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand- held fan and tiny tissues.

3.) Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4.) Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

5.) Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

6.) No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age- blasting cosmetics.

7.) Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8.) Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9.) Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

10.) Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps
instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book, a six-pack of Diet Coke, and a pack of Marlboro Lights.

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What people do at different temperatures.

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.

32 degrees - Water freezes.

30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Florida.

25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans

eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.

20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.

15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 degrees - American cars don't start.

0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.

-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.

-25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.

-40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.

-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 degrees - Hell freezes over.

Stay warm!

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Dearest Wife


As you are receiving this note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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Bumper Snickers



We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

The more you complain the longer God lets you live.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ***hole.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Cats... the other white meat.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. -Napoleon

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Service Rivalry

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the other Marine said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

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Did you Know That...


The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.


A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.


A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.


Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.


If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.


The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

No president of the United States was an only child.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.


Some mornings it is not worth chewing thru the leather straps....

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Ask The Tool Man



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the carton and contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and expensive new jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop Rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer the intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted wall.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing the wood splinters of an eight-foot long Douglas fir 2X4 from your fingers.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.


SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-dodo off your boot.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating greasebuildup.


TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air, that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench, that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


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Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
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Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is there another word for synonym?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they worried someone will clean them?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clown because they taste funny?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Redd Fox


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TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK.


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."


9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."


8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"


7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."


6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory torward people who practice Yoga?"


4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."


3. "The coffee machine is broken..."


2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at work...........
1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."


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Don't Feed The Bears

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game has issued the following advisory to hikers, hunters, and fishermen while in the field:

It is strongly advised that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle grizzly bears that aren't expecting outdoorsmen to be walking in their habitat.

It is also strongly advised that outdoorsmen carry non-lethal pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a grizzly.

The Department of Natural Resources for Alaska states it is a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop.

Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and often squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear poop is larger, has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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IF COLLEGE STUDENTS WROTE THE BIBLE



The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.

New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to
abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

The place where the end of the world occurs: finals, not Armageddon.

Out go the mules; in come the mountain bikes.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

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Great Balls O' Fire

A fan of the Bunker theme song, and a Darwin candidate too.

TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the
heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.

The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer,
where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.

Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.

The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy.

It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.

"Mr Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened.

Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers" said Mr Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar.

"Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximise the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune."

"He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of Mrs Mifune's hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr Otoma's knees, knocking his legs from under him."

"The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette."

"The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own fault."

Mr Otoma was unavailable for comment.

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You might be a soldier if...

1. ...The day after payday you realize you've spent half of your earnings on "champagne" for a woman who speaks broken English and pretends to be interested in your war stories....

2. ...Instead of a gold chain around your neck, you've got a stainless steel one threaded through a P38...

3. ...Your street addresses have been Infantry Blvd, Howitzer Lane and Helmet Drive...

4. ...Your wife responds to "hooah" and understands what it means regardless of the context you present it in...

5. ...When in a strange place and needing a restroom, you ask where the latrine is...
6. ...When you go camping, you first check for possible avenues of approach

7. ...You ridicule other campers for setting up down wind and down slope of the latrine.

8. ...You're the only one that doesn't complain about having to stand and eat at the same time at parties.

9. ...When you're stopped by police for speeding, you give the excuse thatyou've just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits.

10. ...You're always conscious of your per diem spending limit when in a nightclub on TDY.

11. ...You've ever used your poncho-liner as a bed spread.

12. ...You have a bottle of Tabasco sauce ready for every meal.

13. ...You still have an urge to line up your shoes under your bed.

14. ...Either you or your spouse have a least one pair of camouflage underwear.

15. ...You've ever answered the phone at home like the CQ.

16. ..the only time you and the wife eat without the kids is at the unit "dining out".

17. ...you always back into parking spaces.

18. ...you have to lookup your parents phone number, but can dial the CQ, SDNCO, company, battalion and brigade with no problem at all.

19. ... each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.

20. ...your favorite author is Harold Coyle, Mike Malone, or Tom Clancy.

21. ...when your kids are too noisy, you announce "at ease!"

22. ...you don't own any blue ink pens.

23. ...you keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in case of emergencies

24. ...when talking to relatives by phone, you end the conversation with "out here."

25. ...you refer to your spouse as "Household 6" or CINC House."

26. ...you've seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech.

27. ...CNN is your favorite program.

28. ...you call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your friends.

29. ...you take the family camping with no tent or sleeping bags.

30. ...your kids can speak three languages by age eight.

31. ...the only suit you own is your Class A uniform.

32. ...you carry your pager to the shower.

33. ...your vehicle is registered on post and in two different states.

34. ...you convince your wife that all ten of your guns are necessary for home protection.

35. ...you have more money invested in TA-50 than in your car.

36. ....you tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain that its only nine o'clock.

37. ....the allotment column of your LES has more entries than the entitlement column.

38. ...no one understands the stories you tell because of all the acronyms.

39. ...you can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than directions to your house.

40. ....your kids know the words to "she wore a yellow ribbon."

41. ....your two-year old calls everyone in BDUs "daddy".

42. ...the phone book lists your rank instead of Mr..

43. ...your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for twenty years.

44. ...your monthly BAS goes to the mess hall.

45. ...you ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic military scenes.

46. ...you live on post so you can hear reveille every morning.

47. ....your family calls you "Sir."

48. ....all your jokes begin with "there was this soldier, a marine and an airman..."

49. And the biggest indicator ... if you understood and related to the above list!!!!!

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Recruiting

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

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Actual Woman's "T"-Shirt sayings

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is...

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

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Letter Home From Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,


We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the Search and Rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OKAY when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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Life's Great Truths

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.

8. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

9. School lunches stick to the wall.

10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.

5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

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Fractured Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: 1. Open packet. 2. Eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

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Working for the Government

You know you work for the Government in the 90's if:

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and gone through three major reorganizations.

The sign with your Office Symbol outside the door is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about that 2% pay raise.

Free food left over from retirement luncheons is your main staple.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your "associates" are having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Authorized sick leave is defined as "can't walk or you're in the hospital."

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

You work 200 hours for the $100 (before tax) On-The-Spot award and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or just "loose at year end."

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cubicle.

Those "special projects" are more like "drive-by assignments."

"VERA" is more than just the old crazy lady next door.

You read this entire list, agreed with every sentence and are mentally making the list of friends to forward it to.

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Stuff to Think About..

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* Clones are people two.

* If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

* Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

* If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

* I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

* So what's the speed of dark?

* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

* After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

* Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

* If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

* I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

* Do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come abbreviated is such a long word?

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?


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Wisecracks



1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
12. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
13. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
14. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
15. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
16. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
20. And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be...?
21. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
22. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
23. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
24. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
26. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
27. Better living through denial.
28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
29. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
30. Adult child of alien invaders.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
34. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
35. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
36. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
37. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
38. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
39. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
40. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
41. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
42. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
44. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
45. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
48. You look like crap. Is that the style now?
49. I plead contemporary insanity.
50. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
51. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
52. Meandering to a different drummer.
53. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.


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MARINE BAR TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training.
Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.


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Your Call

Actual radio transcript released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Station #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Station #2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

Station #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Station #2: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Station #1: This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now!

Station #2: This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It's your call.


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The Best Patient?

Five surgeons are discussing what career group make the best patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."


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The stuff men know

Men know that the best aphrodisiac is something that's still left to the imagination.

Men know that PMS is Natures way of saying, "Have a miserable week."

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and not expect a man to stare.

Men know that the woman will be surprised and resentful when we do; for reasons that escape them.

Men know the reason men don't like cats; they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi or Bunny.

Men know that it's always a bad idea to talk about sex around their father-in-law.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there; if not, beyond.

That's the stuff MEN KNOW!


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Holy FORE!

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses walks up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway, but rolls directly toward the water hazard. Quickly, Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips the ball onto the green. The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence, into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a house close by and rolls down the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rests quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps up on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your Dad."

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BUBBA

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know every one there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba ?"

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Military Automated Artillery Support Request Line

Ever wonder how the trend of replacing human customer service representatives with computers could affect the military. Here's the result. Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support, making a phone call and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery support request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible. For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW. [In enemy language: If you are a member of the [enemy country] army, we will not be able to assist you. Please contact your own army's artillery support request line at 1-800-DIEYANK]

If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1. If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2. If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3. If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4. If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like. If you would like 81 mm. mortars, please press 1. If you would like 105 mm. howitzers, please press 2. If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates. If you would like to request the use of chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please remember to verify your coordinates and remember that your request may take several minutes to process. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] You have entered co-ordinates 323451. If this is correct, please press 1.

Thank you. Please enter your battalion pass-code, followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your pass-code, we will begin processing your request. If you have forgotten your pass-code, please contact 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary pass-code. Please enter your passcode now. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]

Thank you. [Pause] Your pass-code has been verified and your request will be processed. We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible. Thank you for using the 26th Division's artillery request support line.

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LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN SIGNS THAT THE MILITARY IS NOT DOING WELL

10. The Secretary of Defense assures the Joint Chiefs of Staff that we will be able to staff and equip all TWO active Army Divisions simultaneously in TEN Theaters of Operation.

9. The Secretary demonstrates theater missile defense by having an infantry squad surround a crowd during a July Fourth fireworks display.

8. Upon witnessing this, Texas Congressman Dick Armey changes his name to Dick Navey.

7. The Army announces a new theme called "Be a Lot of What You Can Be."

6. The new GI Bill is the amount of money you have to pay in the future for benefits that are now free.

5. Entitlement to "space-available health care" now means "health care that is only available in space."

4. The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy is replaced with the "Your Secret is Safe With Me" policy.

3. The Military decides to organize a contest entitled "Guess Our Mission."

2. The Military "Guess Our Mission" contest ends after a year with no winner.


And, the number one sign that the military is not doing well:

1. To show its level of support for the retired military population, the Defense Department names as the new Undersecretary for Health Affairs: Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

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Betcha didn't know...

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "Goodnight, sleep tight" came from.

2. The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,"
uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to test telex/twx)

3. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."

4. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not playing. They actually pass out from sheer terror.

5. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

6. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got the whole 9 yards.

7. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

8. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

9. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for
the "General Purpose vehicle, G.P."

10. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.

11. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

12. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a super Bowl.

13. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

14. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

15. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

16. There is an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

17. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

18. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser in that order.

19. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

20. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

21. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

22. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world's nuclear weapons combined.

23. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month-or what we know today as the honeymoon.

24. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

25. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

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Cause I'm a guy...

I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

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Dilbert's Words of



1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good, either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I would explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all of this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are few personal problems that can't be solved by the suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed, looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

12. My reality check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress; I'm a carrier.

15. You are slower than a heard of turtles stampeding through a puddle of peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

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