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White Christian Club


J.D. Pendry


Howard, the club sent me here with some insight for you and the party.


The dedication in my book, The Three Meter Zone, includes the names of15 Blacks, 5 Hispanics, 1 Asian, 1 self-proclaimed Cajun and at least 3 Texans all of unknown religious preference.  These great Americans taught me many valuable lessons.  The most influential of them, one Hispanic and one Black, lead the list in the order in which I knew them.  Howard, meet my segment of the White Christian Club.


You seem a little uptight lately.  I was going to suggest some Preparation H, but was afraid that in your state you might have the same experience as my Granddaddy.  He confused the Preparation H with the Ben Gay.  It’s been a while since we had that much excitement up the holler, but you’re dang near as entertaining.


My Daddy was a West Virginia Yeller Dog Democrat.  That means if a yeller (yellow in Vermont talk) hound dog was on the Democrat ticket he’d vote for him.  I was a yeller dog too until I left the holler and got my GED.  My conversion was completed when Jimmy Carter, who brought freedom to Iran while giving away the Panama Canal, was trying to destroy the remnants of our military.  If Daddy were alive today Howie, even being a yeller dog, he’d gladly use his steel-toed Coalminer’s boot to cure your hemorrhoid problem.  Of course, that would require that you first remove your head from that spot. 


Howie, you, Jimmy and others like you created me.  Every time one of you compares American Soldiers’ work at Guantanamo to the killing fields of Pol Pot, you create more of us, which might be good for the country.  Yesterday’s conservative Democrats and Independents (which the military mostly are) are today’s Republican voters.  You’ve called us brain dead, dark, corrupt, evil, said we’ve never done an honest day’s work….Howie, Howie, Howie.  That kind of talk ain’t winning you many friends at the fellowship meetings (that’s when us Baptists eat Howie) after Church on Sundays – or in the trenches.  When we hear you talk about rich Republicans robbing the po’ folk, we think it peculiar.  We know that you come from the silver spoon society, but the way you’re behaving, we’re thinking Mummy might’ve dropped the silverware set on your head. 


When you were away at boarding school, I was working (what we refer to as an honest day’s work) in a factory.  I was 16 years old –shocking ain’t it - and developing the values that you attach to rich Republicans out of touch with America.  Howie, there’s nothing rich or Republican about a person wanting to keep what he earns.  I know you have trouble with that perspective.  An honest day’s work might change your outlook.  Two years later, when I was 18 going on 40, I enlisted in the Army.  Enlisting in the Army in 1971 seems odd to you I’m sure.  Choosing service at anytime might seem odd to someone who said that America should not always expect to have the world’s strongest military.  It was during my early years in the Army that you and your peers finished turning America against its serving sons and daughters.  This makes you culpable in the deaths of thousands more American soldiers than would have died in the Vietnam War otherwise, not to mention millions of Vietnamese and the millions of Cambodians murdered by Pol Pot. 


I stayed 28 years Howie.  I could’ve left anytime.  I didn’t stay to get rich.  Enlisted men and women don’t earn much money.  A Republican who is not a servant to money – confusing for you isn’t it?  I stayed because I loved getting up every morning and spending my days with men and women of character who had a purpose other than self-service – it’s the only club I ever really belonged to Howard.  Since you’re the chair of the self-proclaimed party of tolerance and diversity, you’ll be happy to know that a diverse group lays it on the line for you everyday.  They come in all colors, but those of which they’re most fond and loyal are red, white and blue.  This may shock you, but all of them wear their Religion.  Yep, it hangs around their necks on a dog tag.  Right near their blood type.  It makes it easier to find the right brand of Preacher to say words over them while they’re also being transfused with the correct blood type.  Blood they’ve spilled in battles for more than 200 years so that you and your party can freely compare them to history’s worst murderers.  Howard, you and your friends pissed on the soldiers of my generation and pretended to make it better with a shiny wall in Washington.  You can count on me to do everything humanly possible to make sure you don’t piss on this generation of American Soldiers.


I’ve seen many religious preferences on dog tags Howie.  Everything from Druid and Wicca to No-preference, but I don’t recall ever seeing “White Christian”.  Anyway, Howie, it was pleasant chatting with you.  Can you give us one of those screams?  Well, maybe next time.  The rest of the club sends their regards.  Hope that hemorrhoid problem clears up for you.  You keep up the good work now.


On June 14, 2005 (Flag Day no less) Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois placed into the Congressional Record a statement comparing American servicemen and women at Guatanamo Bay, Cuba to Nazis, Soviet gulags and the regime of Pol Pot.  The Nazis were responsible for the deaths of more than 11 million, 6 million of which were Jews gassed or worked to death in concentration camps.  Millions died in Soviet gulags.  Pol Pot, after American politicians left a power vacuum in South East Asia, killed more than two million Cambodians.  The death rate of the murderers held at Guantanamo is zero.  Take time to Write the Senators for your state (or just forward this to them) and demand that they introduce resolutions to censure Senator Durbin.  If they don’t, then we know with whom they stand.  No more Vietnams for American soldiers.


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J.D. Pendry is author of The Three Meter Zone, Random House/Ballantine.


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