The American Spirit Lives
J. D. Pendry
"Nothing of any importance happened today."
-George III, King of England, July 4, 1776
“When we elect a leader of the free world on November 2, 2004, we send a message that will reverberate for decades. The American Spirit lives. The American Spirit is dead.” – JD I, King of My Destiny, October 31, 2004
To the chagrin of some who were last seen headed for the borders, it lives. Some of our well-cultured European friends aren’t pleased with us either. Amusing headlines appearing in some foreign papers the day following our elections illustrate their joy. For the editors and readers of those papers, please note the emphasis on our.
The UK Independent’s headline questioned “4 more years?” across a back drop of some of Teddy Kennedy’s favorite Abu Ghraib pictures. We could have had Teddy’s protégé for a president. Surely, that would be more to your liking. We expect that you’d rather have more stories of interns and oral sex in the Whitehouse to publish in your rag, considering the likely intelligence level of your readership and staff. Let me see if I can answer your question. Our (again, note the emphasis on our) country has not been attacked since 9/11, nor has yours. That’s not by accident mate. Can I call you mate? Or should I use bloke? I’m not sure how you well-cultured tea sippers use those terms of endearment. I’d call you buggers, but I’m not sure that’d be a polite use of the Queen’s English. I surely wouldn’t want to insult the Queen – unless she endorsed that headline. Did you notice that there were free elections in Afghanistan? Women voting, imagine that. You guys said we’d be leaving there with our tails tucked as you once did. We had something else in mind. Colonization was a method you preferred, not us. Didn’t turn out well for you there either, did it? You even had us reading Rudyard Kipling poetry on the subject. Soon, there’ll be free elections in Iraq also. Since you have your drawers in such a bunch, could it possibly be that it’s free elections you dislike? But, back to your question. We’re on the offensive in the Global War on Terror and shall remain so with a resolute leader. Much of bin Laden’s band of murderers are dead or otherwise incapacitated. We decided for Churchill not Chamberlain if you get my meaning. Americans appreciate the support of Tony Blair and your brave soldiers. Along with them, we’ll keep up the fight so that you infidels remain free to print your tripe without first obtaining the blessing of the Imam. On the home front, things are in great shape. Just smashing. We have a lower unemployment rate than the average of the 70s, 80s and 90s. Are taxes are lower than ever. Interest rates are low. More Americans own their own homes than at any time in our history. Average family wealth has increased. Our economy is growing faster than at anytime during the past 20 years. Manufacturing is up, productivity is up and jobs are up. We have a strong, focused and moral leader who takes a stand and will defend us even if you and Jacques don’t like it. 4 more years? We’ll take it bugger.
The UK Daily Mirror’s headline asked, “How can 59,054,087 people be so dumb?” The statement behind their question is that the majority of Americans are dumb. How many people subscribe to the Daily Mirror? I expect they’re not the brightest lot in the United Kingdom. How dumb were the 405,399 Americans who gave their lives in World War II. Many of them to ensure that Buckingham Palace wouldn’t become a Nazi vacation resort. We are dumb like that, us Americans, because we’d do it again. Just as we did in Afghanistan and are doing in Iraq. We’d even do it again to protect your right to produce the rag you call a newspaper. I think much of the world appreciates dumb Americans. I met quite a few UK soldiers during my years of military service. Enough to suggest that you most likely do not speak for many citizens of your country. Just as the New York Times doesn’t speak for many Americans. When I was a youngster in the Army, I met British Sergeant Major Bradley Hadlowe. I had supper at his house with him and his family. He told some interesting stories about IRA terrorists. I’m comfortable with saying that Sergeant Major Hadlowe would take great pleasure in administering to you a boot leather enema.
Since these fine examples of foreign journalistic excellence are so interested in the future course of our country, maybe they could help by running for us a free classified ad. We have an immigrant billionaire who discovered that he couldn’t buy an election here, even though he spent $27 million in the attempt. He’s distraught now, says he wants to go live in a monastery and think evil thoughts about George Bush. You should know him, George Soros. He made millions trying to break the currency of your country. I’m sure you know the details, being such well-informed newspaper blokes. Did I ask if I could call you blokes? Here’s the ad.
Distraught billionaire seeks monastery. Must have sufficient food stocks and kitchen staff to feed big, fat people like Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. Must have room to accommodate many distraught residents of Hollywood along with assorted and bloated geriatric musicians (we’ll throw in the Dipsey Chicks and Madonna as a bonus) who promised to leave the country following President Bush’s reelection (of course they promised in 2000 also). Ireland is a possible location since that’s where Robert Redford said he’s going. Contact George Soros.
We’ll give George III the benefit of doubt. Since Al Gore had not yet invented the Internet, ole George probably didn’t receive instantaneous news from the colonies to record in his journal. He didn’t know that a group of dumb Americans gave him the middle-fingered salute on that day. But, you guys .. sorry, you blokes should know that November 2, 2004 was another important day for freedom.
A majority of dumb Americans using the world’s best democratic process selected a leader. We cussed some and slung mud at one another, but we fought it out in the voting booths. Life goes on for us, and frankly, it’s none of your damned (or is it bloody) business. We offer the same salute to you that we offered George III. The American Spirit Lives – even in liberal democrats.
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J.D. Pendry is author of The Three Meter Zone, Random House/Ballantine.
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