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Hillbilly Logic


J. D. Pendry


OK, before you PC types are offended, Iím allowed to say Hillbilly because I is one.We try hard here in wild wonderful to mind our own business.Youíll not find much discussion about world affairs.We are usually content with laughing at local politicians, discussing high school football and talking about hunting dogs.It is possible, however, that words like politician, bin Laden and some others you can think of become interchangeable with weasel, egg (pronounced aig) sucker, and no account, worthless biscuit chasing hound dog.Iím sure that in your region of the planet there exist similar uses of the language.Weíre just more poetic with it out here in the hills.


I have a clump of trees sitting very near to my house.My house sits on a piece hillside property.Thatís also common here.The trees are uphill from the house and close enough to do considerable damage should they fall.The rule of trees, in case you donít know it, is that if a tree is close enough to fall on the house, eventually it will.Based on this intelligence, Iíve decided that a preemptive strike is necessary.The trees become firewood in a few days.


Iím having some trouble understanding the Arabs.Well, except for one.Hillbilly logic tells me that the self-appointed King of Baghdad wants to be the King of Arabia.I suppose that isnít too clear to you if youíre an Arab.However, if you are an Arab, and you do see it, you have to pretend that you donít so that you donít offend the terrorists and fanatics that live in your country.You also forget about the people who were dancing in the streets on 9-11-01.Instead of remembering who protected you from the Baghdad Bully, you explain that everything happening over the past year is the fault of American foreign policy.Terrorism and Islamic fanaticism are the products of American foreign policy?Corrupt regimes in oil rich countries might be, but that other stuff comes from old fanatics teaching kids that the only good infidel is a dead one and convincing week minded, brain washed zealots that killing themselves while killing infidels will net them a passel of virgins in the hereafter.The real solution they say, while never condemning one single homicide bomber, is for America to solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict, not for Arabs to stop subsidizing hatred for Americans and Jews, or for Iraq to live up to the UN resolutions its been allowed to ignore for 12 years.If youíre the Butcher of Baghdad, youíre aware of all of this rhetoric.Thatís one of the reasons you pay money to those left behind by homicide bombers.You know that putting the one rudimentary nuke or chemical warhead that you may have on the nose of a scud and firing it at Israel will likely get you anointed King.


Is it just me, or are Europeans a bit odd sometimes.I was driving to work early one morning.A few hundred meters to my front, right at the end of my high beams, I spotted three deer strolling across the highway.I applied the anti-locks and hit the horn.There was no urgency of action on the part of the deer all the way to the point of flying antlers and hooves.The only remnant of the collision was some deer hair in the grill of my truck.Sort of what would have been left of central Europe if America had decided there was no urgency following World War II.


Now, theyíre comparing my President with Adolph Hitler.It was their Justice Minister, I believe, who said it.Iím thinking she must have had a big snort of Uncle Billieís home brew and too much thin Bavarian Alps air when she said that.Iím having trouble with that comparison.Let me see, Hitler killed 6 million Jews just because they were Jews.(I wonder what opinion those 6 million souls would have on the issue of preemptive military strikes.)He also invaded every neighbor he had, even the one with which he signed a non-aggression pact.We did invade Mexico once, but we were chasing a terrorist who was killing Americans just for being Americans.Now, who was it that wiped out village after village of Kurds with chemical weapons just because they were Kurds?Who was it that, without provocation, invaded two of his neighbors costing millions of lives?Who is it that thinks he would become and instant Arab hero if he killed a million Jews, Americans, or even European infidels?Iíll give you a hint, it ainít Dubya.Gerhardt, did you write that down?


Politicians are interesting beasts arenít they?Around here, we equate them to Whistle Pigs.You probably know them as Groundhogs.They run around all summer getting fat, and then they hole up until spring.We have Senator, ďThe King of PorkĒ Byrd, what else do I need to say about that?Heís the major foot dragger right now on the homeland defense bill.Donít worry though, as soon as he can figure out how to get the headquarters for it built here in wild wonderful, probably in a place named the Byrd Complex, heíll have an amazing change of heart.Did I just say that or did I think it?


Politicians have to form committees and investigate stuff.Now theyíre looking to blame 911 on someone.What did the intelligence agencies know and when did they know it?When youíre zipping down Route 10 over here in wild wonderful and out your rear view mirror you spot a runaway coal truck bearing down on you, whose fault it was that you became a hood ornament is not nearly as important as ensuring it doesnít happen again.The Whistle Pigs wonít turn it loose.Iím afraid theyíll be burrowed in and still trying to blame someone when it happens again.


I donít advocate war anytime anywhere.Theyíre simply too costly in lives for the results usually produced.But, this one is already on and we didnít start it.Saddam Hussein is a dangerous man and he has a clump of trees tilting toward us.


Copyright © 2002, James D. Pendry, All Rights Reserved