Bubblegum Cigars

J. D. Pendry

Are you old enough to remember them?How about candy cigarettes?The ones covered with confectionary sugar so you could blow out a little puff of smoke before you ate it.And your shiny six-shooting cap busters loaded with a roll of caps?Youíd strap them on along with your Lone Ranger hat and mask.With a bubble gum cigar hanging from the corner of your mouth, you would hit the trail with your trusty sidekick a huntiní bad guys.We had to stop doing that to our kids because it was too dangerous.We were afraid, I suppose, that such things might cause them to grow up and become Paris Hilton or a rap star.Instead, it became better to hook them up to IPods blaring [c]rap thatíll call your daughter a ho more times in one verse than Don Imus ever did in his ho career.

With Paris sprung from the pen, at least the universe was back in balance for a day or so.Iím sure you and I would get the same consideration for multiple violations of our probation.If your feet are getting cold, itís because hell is starting to freeze over. Reverend Al and I actually agree.If Paris was one of us commoners, sheíd be on a steady diet of jail house bologna.†† Iím betting that it wonít be long before Americaís teenage daughters are sporting stylish leather ankle bracelets like Parisís.

But, isnít that where weíve arrived here in the land of the free and home to the spoiled brat?That Iím even wasting my remaining brain cell energy on Paris Hilton proves that too many of us are more interested in her insignificant problem or the drivel that spills from Rosieís mouth than we are concerned about real dangers.If we just take away the candy cigarettes, the kidsíll be safe, at least those not aborted before they reach the candy cigarette age of consent.When we have elected law officials (at least in LA county they do) that donít have the *huevos to keep a wealthy slut in jail for a few days, how the hell are we ever going to well up the gumption to protect our borders and kick criminals out of the country. ††Oh thatís right, I forgot, the Senate voted to allow the felons a path to citizenship too.Maybe weíll fix our problems with some laws that forbid us from frying our food in lard.Thatíll do it.Lard comes from pig fat, so we can also remove that politically incorrect and offensive pork by-product from the market too.Abortion good, chicken and French fries cooked in lard bad.Thatís as logical as a Senate hearing.

Do you sometimes feel like you are running around unprotected inside the insane asylum waiting for a Senator, probably Lindsey Graham, to start slobbering and tossing feces against the wall?Maybe that was a bad figure of speech considering the proposed immigration bill.Maybe itís just me thatís going insane in an otherwise normal country perfectly focused on solving real problems.

How many politicians and learned talking heads have you heard over the past year or two insist that we need to leave Iraq immediately?Well, I believe we should leave too.I hope that doesnít shock you.Do you know what else I believe?I believe that these talking heads and politicians are seriously lacking in the courage department.The 19 year-old Private Soldiers patrolling the streets in Iraq hold more moral and physical courage in a pinky than I believe exists in the collective body of the United States Congress.Do you know the difference between a Private and a Congressman?You can count on the Private to fight for you and to get the job done.How can you explain a body of men and women overwhelmingly voting to commit Soldiers to combat and then not standing united behind them with every ounce of their beings?Yes, I want our Soldiers home, but what I know for sure is that if there was a unified political effort here in the safe United States, our Soldiers would already be in recovery operations and Iran would have a full frontal view of the pointy end of our spear instead of the pointy-headed rhetoric coming out of the United States Capitol.

Fences?We need them.But, not just across our Southern border although there is a law requiring it.I think we need one around Washington, DC.One that keeps out the idiots and crooks.Now Iím going to agree with John Edwards, well almost.There are two Americas.There is the one where most of us get up each day and make an actual contribution and then thereís the one of Congress, Paris, Rosie and four hundred dollar haircuts.We need to fence around that second America too.

Now all of the self-proclaimed conservatives are lamenting how President Bush ainít one of them.Iím amazed that they are only now arriving at that conclusion.By the strict definition most of them apply to the label of political conservatism, there is not too many who can live up Ė even those who proclaim it the loudest.That doesnít mean that the aims of conservatism arenít noble and worthwhile, I just believe that we have to be realistic when trying to select our mortal leaders.I look at it this way.We could have had Al Gore or John Kerry instead of George Bush.Then our national priority would not be security and protecting us from terrorists, it would be capturing cow farts in order to stave off global warming or transferring our national security to the purview of the United Nations.

If there is an honorable man or woman in Washington thatís interested in actually leading and saving our country, from itself as well as from our enemies, now might be a good time to share some candor with the American people and show the courage adequate to confront our problems.

Iím sorry. I forgot what the point was.Well, maybe thereís one in there somewhere.

*Since Congress wonít pass a law making English the official language of the United States, I thought I should try to be more bi-lingual, a least in my use of slang.

Copyright © 2007 J. D. Pendry